


Oh, How Much There is Left to Learn

by sartiebodyshots



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Nightmares, Please give Nott all the love and hugs she deserves, spoilers up through 55
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-27 08:32:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18192221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sartiebodyshots/pseuds/sartiebodyshots
Summary: Nott doesn't always sleep well, and Caleb figures out how to help.





	Oh, How Much There is Left to Learn

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Ziggy Albert's Laps Around the Sun.

Nott is pretty still when she sleeps, sometimes.  It startles Caleb when they start traveling together; his traveling companion is generally so active in her waking hours that when he wakes up one night to no breathing noises and no motion, Caleb scrambles over to her.  

They haven't been together long- Caleb is still certain she will leave soon, and it would be best for her, really- but the thought of her being dead fills him with a panicked dread.  

Close enough to see the rise and fall of her ribs, Caleb relaxes.  She's fine. He's fine. 

Nott's bright yellow eyes blink open slowly.  She frowns as she takes in the sight of Caleb half looming over her.  

“I thought.  I saw a big cat?  In the tree,” Caleb lies.  “My mistake.”

Normally, Nott would see through this falsehood, but she just blinks again before nodding her head and settling back down.  She goes still again.

It’s comfort when they start sleeping together to keep warm.  Nott curls up against his calves, or his chest, or his back, or his side, and the closeness is comfort.  He can feel her breathing against him, so he knows that she’s okay. (Being close to someone else is comfort)

And then.  And then. 

They’re asleep one moment, and the next moment, a squeezing around Caleb’s legs wakes him up with a jolt.  He peers down through the darkness, suppressing his urge to kick because he’s fairly certain it’s Nott. 

Sure enough, the flickering firelight reveals nobody other than Nott clutching his legs.  She’s muttering incomprehensible words and burying her face into the crook of his knee, hiding from some monster in her head.  

This is not unfamiliar to Caleb.

Twisting carefully, Caleb leans down to poke at Nott’s head, shaking his legs a bit as he does so.  He wants to free her from her torment, but doesn’t want to wake her up too unpleasantly. 

Nott cries out one last time before bolting upright.  She looks at Caleb, golden eyes wide, as he sits up, too.  

“What happened?” Nott says, voice rough.

“I think you were having a nightmare, so I woke you up,” Caleb says.  “It didn’t sound pleasant.”

“Oh!  Oh,” Nott says.  She tucks her knees under her chin and curls up tightly.  “Sorry I woke you. Thank you.”

Nott is watching the fire, looking through it, really.  Most of her face is hidden in her knees, but from what he can see, she’s still disquieted.  

Caleb understands; he doesn’t know what horrors his friend has experienced, but he knows there must have been some; sometimes when he closes his eyes, he sees the flickering flames and hears the screams of his parents.  

He’s tempted to ask.   _ Are you okay?  What happened? Would you like to talk about it? _  But they don’t do that.  Their relationship (friendship, a startling word) is built on the fact that they take each other as they are, without uncomfortable questions about their pasts.  

So Caleb stays silent for a moment longer, watches his small friend twitch and glower into the fire before finally saying, “Would you like to come back to sleep?”

A safe question that demands little, but lets her know that she is welcome back.  

“I don’t want to wake you up again,” Nott says.

Caleb shrugs.  “It’s alright. I really don’t mind.”

(He wants to be able to make sure she's still breathing)  (He wants to be not-alone)

Nott looks at him with suspicion for a long minute.  Caleb just looks back. 

Slowly, she uncurls herself and crawls over to him; Caleb lays down so they can go back to sleep.  She presses herself to his side, and Caleb carefully wraps an arm around her. Her body is still shaking, so Caleb rubs comforting circles into her back and stays up until he hears her breathing even out.  

* * *

It happens every so often.  Nott wakes him up sharp gasps and twitches, or by squeezing him too tight, and Caleb wakes her up.  When they join up with those who will become their friends, the ritual continues. 

Even in Caleb’s little hut, all the Nein huddle together, but Caleb and Nott are even more huddled together than the rest.  Caleb’s arms wrapped around her, her head on his chest. 

When she twitches in the way that means her head is tormenting her, Caleb nudges her awake.  She wakes with a startled gasp that she quickly quiets. 

“Thanks.  Sorry,” Nott murmurs, quiet in his ear to make sure no one hears her.  

Caleb doesn’t know how to quietly and quickly assure her that it is more than okay- it’s his pleasure, or it would be, if his friend wasn’t in clear pain.  It’s his pleasure to be able to help her. 

Nott crawls over him, to the edge of the hut.  He wishes she would stay in the safety of the hut, but she needs air.  Sometimes when she’s the one to poke him awake, he wishes he could walk away from the sounds of everyone breathing, just for a moment.  

Still, Caleb lays awake, waiting for her.  He strains the bounds of his hearing, listening to make sure that she’s okay.  He tries not to imagine her being taken by slavers on the road. This is why he learned how to make this, after all, to make sure his friends were never taken again, and to lose Nott… 

Caleb doesn’t think about her tortured, or beaten, or broken, or in the maw of some beast.  Arrow through the chest, some idiot hunter in the woods mistaking her for an animal- some idiot person on watch mistaking her for a monster.

His head very specifically doesn’t go in these circles until he hears footsteps approaching, feels the gentle ping of her crossing his alarm boundary.  Then, he relaxes a half fraction. If something were to happen here, he could hear it. He would be forewarned, could waken the rest of the Nein. They could help.  

Nott crawls through the wall of the hut, crawls over him, settles back where she was before.  That’s when his head relaxes, when it feels right again. 

Caleb pretends to have fallen back asleep; he’s sure she doesn’t believe him.  He rubs her back again, just to comfort her a little. That’s probably a give away.

They still don’t ask each other questions, even if they’ve shared little bits of their pasts with each other.  This wouldn’t be the arena anyway; there are too many other people around. Even if they are all friends. 

They both fall asleep again.

* * *

Nott’s nightmares come less often.  That reassures Caleb. Maybe she’s feeling more comfortable, less scared.  It’s a nice thought. 

And then they hit the water, and the open sea.  

On The Mistake, they don’t sleep in the hut anymore, but Nott and Caleb still bunk in the same room.  It doesn’t feel right, to be separated. 

“I think I’m going to sleep in this bunk,” Nott says, pointing at the bunk furthest from the porthole.  “Pretty sure I can turn and not see the fuckin’ water. You take that one.”

She points to the other bunk, and Caleb frowns a little.  They generally share a bunk. Sure, these are a little smaller than the beds in most of the inns they've stayed in, but she's small so it should be a fine fit.  

“Are you sure?” Caleb asks. 

“Oh, do you really want this bunk?” Nott asks.  

Caleb shakes his head.  “No, no, that's fine.”

“Great!” Nott says.  

Nott goes to her bunk, sets her things in order, goes about her night, while Caleb tries to readjust.  It’s no big deal. They’re in the same room; Nott just doesn’t want to sleep with him anymore is all. 

That’s fine!  He’s an adult, and he’s spent most of his time sleeping alone.  It’s still not really alone, not since they’re in the same room, or so he tries to convince himself.  

(When did it become weird to sleep alone?  For so long, Caleb had convinced himself that he was meant to be alone.  That isolation was what he needed. Now, the goblin girl sleeps in her own bed and he’s thrown for a loop.  Ridiculous.)

“Goodnight, Caleb,” Nott says.  

She’s a bit more subdued than usual, but doesn’t seem upset with him.  That’s a positive sign.

“Goodnight, my friend,” Caleb replies.  

It takes Caleb a while to fall asleep.  He keeps expecting to feel someone else snuggled against him- it’s become comforting, but instead, he’s alone in the bunk on the ship that they stole, the unfamiliar rocking of the ship not helping very much.

When Caleb does finally go to sleep, it’s light, fitful.  Truthfully, he doesn’t know if he actually does fall asleep.  It’s that awkward, twilight sleep where he can’t move, but he’s not entirely unconscious, either.

The twilight is broken by a cry that makes Caleb shoot straight up in his bunk.  He looks around for the intruder, heart pounding (did he forget to set alarm? no) before a second cry makes him realize that it’s Nott.  

He’s by her side in an instant, hand on her shoulder to wake her up gently.  He doesn’t want her trapped in her dreams any long than she has to be. 

“Don’t don’t don’t,” Nott begs, jolting away from his touch and throwing herself bodily against the wall.  

Heart torn between breaking and jumping out of his throat, Caleb casts a light, dim enough to not be painful, but bright enough that they can see each other.  

“It’s me, Nott.  You’re safe,” Caleb says.

Nott’s eyes widen, meet his face, and she deflates.  “Sorry, I woke you up.”

Caleb shakes his head.  “It’s okay.” A beat. “Are you okay?”

A stupid question, but he needs to ask something.  Perhaps they are this far along in their friendship.  

Nott eyes her flask, sitting just out of arm’s reach.  Sometimes she drinks so much that it worries him, just a little.  

“Can you hand me that?” Nott asks, nodding to the flask.  

Feeling strangely more like an accomplice than during any of their cons together, Caleb passes her the flask.  She flicks it open and takes a large drink. 

“I’m fine,” Nott says unconvincingly.  

Caleb bites his lip, watching the shaking in her hands, still clenched around her flask.  He doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable or push too much, but he doesn’t think she’s okay and he doesn’t think Nott curling up with a flask is going to make anything any better.

“Would it be okay if we shared a bunk again?” Caleb finally asks.  

Nott frowns.  “Are you sure?  I can’t…” She makes a face.  “I can’t promise I’ll sleep through the night.  I was going to offer to find my own room.”

“No!” The answer is out of Caleb before he can contemplate a more measured answer, and they are both startled by the depth of his feeling.  “I mean. If you need to do it for yourself, of course. But I would rather we stay together. That’s better, I think. I wasn’t sleeping well with you over here.”

There’s a hard thud in Caleb’s chest at the admission; maybe this is what you do for the people you ~~love~~ ~~care for~~ love: say obvious truths that you’re afraid of.  

There’s a half tired smile that flashes across Nott’s face and a nod as she twirls the cap onto the flask, setting it aside.  She reaches forward, and Caleb closes the distance to scoop her up. 

It’s a small room, but Caleb walks slow as possible, rubbing her back.  She’s not shaking anymore, which is a good sign. 

They curl up under the covers together, Caleb letting Nott move where she’d prefer.  She wiggles out from his arms and crawls down towards his legs. 

Nott settles curled in the crook of his knees, and Caleb assumes that’s where she’s going to stay until a moment later when she climbs lightly over him to wedge herself between him and the wall.  Her face is buried against the bump where his neck becomes his back, and her arm must be crooked at some odd angle since he can’t feel it around or against him. 

When he feels the familiar twitching against his back, Caleb reaches behind him and carefully prods her awake with a soft, “you're safe.” 

Nott presses herself even closer to him.  She’s not shaking as badly as she was last time.  Caleb wishes that he had better words for her, or some better form of comfort.

Somehow, they both manage to fall asleep, and Caleb sleeps much better with Nott with him.  When he wakes in the morning, Nott is still there, and he shifts carefully to avoid jostling her too much.  

He turns back to watch her sleep for a moment.  Her arm is thrown up over her ear, pressing it against her skull in a way that can’t be comfortable.  It takes Caleb a moment to realize that she’s trying to block out the ocean sounds. 

Caleb takes the blanket and tucks Nott in to help keep her warm.  He hopes, for her sake, that they’re not on the ocean long. 

* * *

Caleb expects that her nightmares will abate once they finally leave the ocean, but if anything they intensify as they approach Felderwin.  It fills Caleb with a thrum of anxiety about what they’ll find. He knows that he wasn’t treated well by her clan and that that halfling man Yeza was her friend, but that’s about it.  

He hasn’t pressed much further, despite his interest, because of their unspoken agreement to not pry.  Because his past is painful, and he shared some of it with her willingly, and he doesn’t want to take anything from her that she’s not willing to give (she’s given him too much already).

And then they are standing in the basement of her ruined business, and she is screaming at him for help, and he is failing her, and they both feel this.  They are both hurt by this. They are two halves of a whole, and this hurts them both.

They will pick up some scattered pieces later.  They won’t fit together the exact same; they’ll fit together better, somehow.  

That’s not comfort in this moment of shattering, but then again, nothing could be.  

“I’m sorry,” Caleb says in a strangled voice when they go to sleep that night.  

Nott doesn’t reply.  

The nightmare was real that day; maybe that’s why Nott sleeps through the night.  

* * *

After that, there’s really no time to talk.  The nightmares come back, as they do, and Caleb wakes her up, as he does.  The others are right  _ there _ though, so Caleb doesn’t say anything else.

Until.

It’s his own stupid idea.  Splitting up boys and girls seemed fine because, somehow, it didn’t occur to him that he and Nott wouldn’t be together.  They just seem like a package deal- “Nott-and-Caleb” “CalebandNott” - that it jolts Caleb when Nott walks into the girls’ stall without him.  

Oh, right.  

Maybe he shouldn’t have pointed out the obvious truth that Jester could punch Fjord through a wall.  Then they could have their own stall, and everyone else could pile into the other.

They’re not even next door to each other.  Shit. 

Part of him wants to ask the girls if he can stay with them; he’s sure they would say yes.  Even apart from Nott, he tends to get along better with them anyways. 

But there are already more women than men.  Plus, that would probably be… strange. Not that the Nein have ever really cared about that, but still.  He can sleep by himself- he’s an adult, after all. 

So Caleb curls up alone that night.  It’s not the most comfortable place in general- and Fjord snores, which doesn’t help- but he does get to sleep eventually, fitfully so.  

Caleb doesn't know quite what it is that wakes him up.  A tickling at the back of his neck, maybe, or maybe Fjord gives a loud snort in his sleep, but Caleb finds himself laying, staring up into the darkness full of enough energy to know that he's never getting back to sleep.  

He carefully gets to his feet, not wanting to wake Caduceus or Fjord as he opens the gate to their stall.  It makes a creaky noise that makes him wince, but neither one of them wake up. 

Caleb's feet take him to the front of the women's stall.  It's maybe not where he  _ meant _ to go, but while he's there, he might as well peer over the edge to check on Nott.  Just make sure that she isn’t in the middle of a nightmare.

When Caleb doesn’t spot Nott, he doesn’t panic, at first.  He assumes that she’s hidden in a corner, using the shadows to her advantage in her mysterious ways even in sleep, so he leans up on his tiptoes to try to get a better view.  

“Caleb!  What are you doing?” 

Caleb only barely avoids giving a shout at the hissed voice behind him as he turns around.  

“I was looking for you,” Caleb says sheepishly.  “Wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Nott’s bemused face changes to a twisting worry.  “Couldn’t sleep.”

She turns away before Caleb can say anything else, and Caleb follows her.  They walk out of the barn, until they’re far enough away not to disturb anyone else.  

Nott crawls up onto the railing of the inn, and Caleb stands in front of her.  They’re still not quite eye level, but they’re closer than usual. 

“Your nightmares.  They’ve been getting bad again, ever since Felderwin,” Caleb says.  “Are you okay?”

Nott kicks her heel backwards, knocking it on the spindle of the railing.  Her other arm is wrapped loosely the beam running up to the ceiling, and she pulls herself closer to it when he asks his question.  

“Shit!  No!” Nott says, looking up at him wide eyed.  “What are we even  _ doing _ , Caleb?  We’re in fucking Xhorhas, fucking around in a city full of goblins, and for what?”

“For your husband and son, Nott,” Caleb says gently.  “To reunite your family.”

“Yeza is probably going to die before we get there!  If we even get there! I wouldn’t blame the others for turning back,” Nott says, voice going quiet.  “I wouldn’t blame you for turning back.” 

Caleb bends down so they’re at proper eye level.  “I can’t speak for anyone else, but I don’t think they’re going to give up.  If they do, you won’t be alone. I’m with you, Nott. Whatever you need.”

Nott’s fingers tap against the beam, shoulders hunched up, and the angle puts her face into shadow.  “If you get hurt or worse… it’s because I brought you here. If we kill Yeza trying to rescue him, I’ll have made my son an orphan.”

Caleb understands at least part of it; he’s putting his friends and Nott in danger just by being around them.  It’s not something that he likes to contemplate, and for someone who is as big hearted as Nott… it must be even worse.  

But something bothers him-

“You’re still alive, Nott.  Your son won’t be an orphan; he’ll still have you,” Caleb points out.  “And when we save Yeza, all three of you can be a family again.”

Optimism doesn’t come easily to him, but it’s what Nott deserves.

Nott shakes her head so vigorously that she nearly falls off the railing.  “No! No, no, no. I can’t be an illusion, and I won’t- Caleb, you have to promise me that you won’t tell them- I won’t let them see me as a goblin.  They should remember  _ Veth _ , not… this.  No. I’ll be a shadow that they never see.”

Caleb is almost taken aback by the strength of her feelings.  He knows that Nott hates goblins, but wouldn’t she want to be back with her family?  Not that he wants her to leave the Nein (the thought terrifies him, honestly), but he would understand.  

“Nott, your family loves you.  They won’t care what you look like,” Caleb says.  

And he doesn’t know much about Nott’s family, not really, but he knows how she lights up when talking about how smart Luke and Yeza are, how wonderful.  If they make her that happy, that must mean that they’re good and loving, and that is more than enough for Caleb to be sure that they wouldn’t care that she’s a goblin.  

“You don't understand,” Nott says.  

“They love you.”  

“I don't want them to think of me like this!” Nott says.  She gestures for a long minute, muttering the arcane words.  The halfling woman-  _ Veth _ , Caleb reminds herself- takes the place of Nott.  “This is who I really am. This is who I want them to think of when they think of me.  They need to think I'm dead unless I look like this. Promise me you won't tell them.”

Caleb nods as if he understands, even if he really doesn't.  A child would want even a “monstrous” mother (she is nothing like a monster) back, and he would imagine that a husband would want a “monstrous” wife back as well.

“I will help you back into your own body,” Caleb says, “and I will tell your family nothing.”

“Thank you,” Nott says, resting her head on the beam.  

“Is it,” Caleb’s voice catches in his throat.  “Is it them you dream about? When you can’t sleep.”

Asking seems important.

Nott shrugs.  “Sometimes. I didn’t even know if they’d survived- I mean, I assumed the goblins didn’t get them, because they would’ve bragged, but there were a million other things that could’ve gone wrong.  Luke was sick. He might not’ve recovered. Yeza could’ve gotten lost. They could’ve gotten them after I escaped the goblins. And I dream about forgetting them altogether…”

Nott trails off.  She’s not quite looking at Caleb so much as looking through her, and Caleb is worried that she’s going to retreat into one of her dreams, even if she’s awake.  

“Hey,” Caleb says, kneeling down so now he’s looking up at her.  “You’re not going forget them.”

Nott flicks at her illusioned hair.  “Luke’s face was blurry, when I would think of him.  His hair had a curl, right here, when I saw him, and I don’t know if I’ve forgotten that or if he’s changed because he’s grown so much.  I don’t know which is worse. He’s forgotten me, and he’s better for it, but I’ve forgotten him, and that is… a lot worse than most of what I can imagine.”

“I’m sorry,” Caleb says.  

“I need my family to be safe and happy, with or without me,” Nott says quietly, dropping the illusion.  Nott once more. “And I need for you and everyone else to make it out of here, too. Everyone has to be okay.  I need you and them to be.”

A swell of emotion bursts in Caleb’s chest, and he leans up to wrap his arms around her.  She looks so small, so desperate. While she’s proven plenty of times she doesn’t need his protection, he would like to give it anyway.  

“Please don’t forget that there are people who need you to be okay, too,” Caleb murmurs softly.  “You are very important, too.”

Nott returns his hug by pushing herself into his arms and wrapping her legs around him, too.  She’s light enough to carry, but he’s at an odd enough angle that her sudden weight knocks him on his ass.  

They stare at each other, surprised under the bright light of the moons.  The moment stretches on longer than moments generally do, but Nott cracks a smile, and Caleb has to smile in return, and then they’re laughing hysterically on the ground. 

“I’m just so fuckin’ scared, Caleb,” Nott says, between gasps that sound like half sobs.  “If anything goes wrong…”

“We’ll find a way,” Caleb says when he can breathe again.  “I believe in you, and you are not alone.”

Nott wraps her arms around him again, burrowing herself against him. There’s not much else to say, so Caleb just hugs her back.  He scoots so his back is against the building, holding his friend tightly.

Her breathing finally slows, and Caleb stays put to avoid disturbing her.  He even manages to catch some decent sleep, having Frumpkin keep watch. Curled up on the street with Nott reminds him of their earlier days.  

When they wake up to go to the well, Caleb gives her a small, reassuring smile.  She may be nervous about going into the well, but he knows that they’ll figure out a way to make work.  They have to, for Nott.

(After that night, after everything goes to hell, Caleb sticks even closer by her, if possible.  He wants to make sure she knows that his support for her will not waver.)

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all i love people taking care of each other after nightmares and Nott and Caleb's sleeping arrangements are such good fuel for that.


End file.
